Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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