my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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