I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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