It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
