If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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