Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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