he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
