I just threw up on my dentist
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
