True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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