its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize