She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
