Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
