I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
