i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
