I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
