I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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