im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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