Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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