Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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