yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
