I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
