He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Randomize
