my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
