she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
