I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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