I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
