Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
