DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
