Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
