I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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