He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
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you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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