I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My day in three words: secret purse cake
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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