I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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