Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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