Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
