My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
