I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
