Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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