I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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