Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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