i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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