I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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