It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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