Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
