You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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