Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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