I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
