I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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