she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
