he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
