Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
