i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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