Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
