Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
