i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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