Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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