No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
