What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
