Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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