I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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